The masks we wear, and what I learned on the dance floor

Last week, I was forced to dance. I say forced, the audience was “invited”, at a conference, in one of those revitalising after-lunch good vibes kind of ways. It was some 80s song, and there wasn’t a single person that I could see in the room (mercifully apart from my colleague next to me) who wasn’t into it. The lady next to me was Losing. Her. Mind. 

It seemed everyone in the room had taken off their mask for 3 minutes and 46 seconds. They didn’t care about how they were seen in that moment, what other people thought, and just let themselves go. Granted it was a room full of good-vibes kind of people, and I’m not sure it would have received the same reception at one of the tech conferences I go to, but it was fascinating to watch. I of course had to put my mask on. I find those situations deeply uncomfortable, I don’t know why. But the desire to put on my invisibility mask, one of the many masks I have lined up in the armoury, was overwhelming – I did not want to be seen in that moment. Thankfully, I agreed with my colleague a sufficient plan to look engaged and we clapped like two people who’d read about joy once in a book.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and not just because of the conference. Over the last few weeks I’ve delivered presentations in front of academics, students, colleagues, and while I enjoy every second there’s always a degree of conflict going on with the need to be visible for the role I’m in, and the tug of the invisibility mask. My values are integrity, balance and growth in other people. When I wear masks, like we all have to sometimes, I don’t feel like I’m living with integrity. When I’m not living with integrity, I feel out of balance, and the whole thing gets cyclical.

Why do we wear masks?

Masks in the wild

I see masks in the wild all the time. I’m pretty well practiced at it by now. You probably wear one from time to time too (and if you don’t, you might not be doing your job as your best self). It’s not by any means an exhaustive list, but in the last few weeks (through mentoring, coaching and work) I’ve seen:

• The Competency Mask – I saw someone wearing this mask when they could have asked for help but didn’t, even in a psychologically safe environment. This seems to happen when the person has a strong connection to competence (sometimes ego), and doesn’t want to take it off to ask for help.
• The Imposters Mask – Not in the imposter syndrome sense, but I spoke to someone literally pretending to be someone they aren’t, pretending to be interested in something they’re not, by lying on their CV and in the interview process. This can be driven through desperation, ego, or outright duplicity.
• The People Pleaser Mask – When worn, shapes behaviours and language around approval rather than authenticity so that other people can see their nice / kind / not-shouty side. This mask is a best-seller.
• The Past-Self Mask – I’ve coached and mentored various people who wear this, when someone is trying so hard not to be someone they were, even though they’ve done the work to grow, they’re still clinging to a mask that’s different from both versions of themselves.
• The Masks of Leadership – These are good masks to have in the armoury. Leaders all have different tendencies for leadership styles, but we need to switch from time to time depending on the situation. I’ve found myself switching a lot of these recently.

The point here is, masks are a choice, even a subconscious one. In “The Courage to be Disliked”, there’s a great anecdote about the mother reprimanding her truant son. She gets a call from the school during the argument, and talks in a calm, relaxed and pleasant voice to the headmaster of the school. Then goes back to shouting at the boy, showing that the anger mask can be taken on and off at will.

The deeper truth – what is your mask telling you?

The mask is always telling you something. Something about what you want to protect, to love, to value, or who you want to become. 

There’s a utopian view that says you should bring your whole self to work. I disagree. I think you should bring your best self to work. And sometimes, this needs masks.

I’m not knocking bringing your whole self to work. If you can work at a place and be the part of you that slacks off on a Monday because they’re hard work, or swears like a sailor, or wears a onesie because they’re so snuggly (they are), hats off. But this is near impossible for many people, especially neurodivergent individuals like those with Autism or ADHD (if you’re neurotypical I highly recommend “Untypical” by Pete Wharmby to explain this). We need these interactive filters and the ability to switch our presence because they make us effective. We just need to be making the choice consciously.

The boring psychology bit

Of course, I haven’t just made any of this up. Jung describes “Persona” as “a kind of mask, designed on the one hand to make a definite impression upon others, and on the other to conceal the true nature of the individual.” You can read a very dry version of his original “Essays in Analytical Psychology” here.

The Persona isn’t inherently fake; it’s the professional armour we put on to interact appropriately and get things done without the messy bits. It’s usually just referred to as “masking”, and terms like “impression management” are used to describe it in social psychology.

What to do now

Well of course I’m going to say talk to a coach, aren’t I?

The more our masks take us away from our natural selves, and the longer we wear them, the closer we are to anxiety, burnout and the risk of losing our true identity. What we need is a mirror, to help us see the masks we’re wearing. To help us see the armour we wear. A coach’s job is to help you name the mask, understand what it’s telling you, and help you choose whether you want to wear it or not. 

What mask plays the biggest part in your life right now?